Purpose

PYHO is here again. I haven't blogged in a long while. Missed my fav link up yesterday, the happiness project(http://leighvslaundry.blogspot.com/2010/08/happiness-project-week-26.html), cuz I have just felt like I have nothing to say. I am tired. My laptop is 800 years old and slow, too slow, so I have given in to the watching too much reality T.V. again! Especially because my home computer is not functioning. I am praying it can be fixed, I have lots of things I would hate to lose...so we'll see. I am just tired. And saw some crazy blog drama going on last week and thought "UGH this is NOT why I started blogging. I wanted to blog for myself. Self Therapy. I really enjoyed all these blogs I was finding, all these link ups. Talking to new people, making bloggie friends and this whole drama stuff crept up and I just don't need anything else negative in my life. Facebook provides enough high school drama I don't need anymore. I am an adult. So I stopped blogging. And really thought about not linking back up again. But I like Shell. I like Leigh. I enjoy their 'memes' and enjoy reading & seeing other people's blogs when they link up...so I am sticking to these two girls.

So that was a rant? Not a PYHO huh?

I am in a funk.

I can't get out of it.

I am afraid that I am on the verge of serious depression, if not already there.

What do I have to be depressed about I think to myself. I have two incredible children. They are my heart walking outside of my body. I have a husband who loves me and his children and works uber hard to provide for us. I have a beautiful little home, which I love. I live in a good community with great schools around. I have a great family who loves and supports us at every turn. We lack for nothing. So what do I have to be depressed over?

I get mad at myself for feeling this way and that this funk has gone on way too long. What right do I have to be in a funk? To feel depressed? How selfish am I? There are people out there without jobs, losing their homes, dealing with sick children, with being sick themselves, wondering where their next meal is going to come from and I am feeling depressed?

It's a vicious cycle.

I tell myself every night, when I can't sleep. Tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to get up, get things accomplished around the house. Do some research on going back to school. Apply to be a sub at the boys school. Play with my kids. The next day comes, and I am tired. Tired from being up all night. Tired from my physical pain. Tired. My motivation from the night before is gone.

I know where my purpose lies. In Jesus. He loves me. He died on the cross for ME. So I can live eternally with him. I need to accept His gift. I need to lean on my Savior. My heavenly Father. It's hard.

My husband is also in a funk. And us being both in a funk is never good. He is at a cross roads with is job, not wanting to continue but not knowing what he does want to do and feeling the pressure of being the sole provider for our family. That weighs heavily on me. When he is unhappy, it affects us all. The mood in the house. He is not satisfied. He wants to do 100 different projects in the house. I am all for these projects. Updating our kitchen, getting new appliances, finishing our basement etc. etc. BUT all that requires money. I don't want to do any of this on credit. We have been down that road. It's too stressful and not good. I want us to save for these things. Pay cash. I don't want to be in debt. I know that IF we did all these things, as soon as they were done, he wouldn't be satisfied and will move on to something else, oh say, buying a 2011 Mustang. He gets depressed because we don't have the disposable income. Sigh. I can't help him. I try to listen, respect him, pray for him. That is all I can do. Oh, besides stop him from spending money we don't have.

And he can't help me. He doesn't know. He doesn't realize. I tried to tell him a little bit of how I was feeling with this new transition of both boys in school and what do I do now. But he stopped me. He had just gotten home from a long day at work and is stressed and doesn't like when I "bombard" him. But, he always has long days of work. And when/if he is off he is "recovering" and doesn't want to "think" about it. Just wants to relax/chill enjoy his days off. And if I were to talk to him about how I was feeling...well. Partly it is my fault. I don't push it on his days off. I expect him to know. How can he, he isn't a mind reader.

So. Here I am. Wondering how do I get out of this funk. For myself. For my marriage. Most importantly for my boys.

Sigh. I am done. My hands are thrown up to the sky and I am asking for my Heavenly Father to envelope me in His love and show me what I need to do.

Still Making My Dreams Come True

This is my favorite link-up I have come across! I couldn't wait until Tuesday came around so I could link up again! I LOVE looking through my pictures and remembering my happy moments! You should check Leigh out! Her blog is great. She's a funny chic! You should link-up! Even if it's just once! Doing this will make your heart smile! I promise! Seeing other people's Happiness Pictures will make you smile too!

I have been referring to my hubster as my Mr. Dream Come True in my posts, because he is. Maybe one day I will post about how we met and he stole my heart. But this post is how he is still making my dreams come true. He made my dream of marrying my best friend come true. He made my dream of becoming a mother come true. AND he made my dream of meeting Tim McGraw come true.

Anyone who knows me in real life, knows I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Tim. I love his music, but what started the obsession was seeing him in concert! He puts on a fun show! I have seen the man 12 times in concert now. A bit ridiculous really. If you think about the cost of concert tickets, and the cost of t-shirts etc...that man has too much of my money. BUT the memories made with my sister, friends and hubby at his concerts are priceless for sure.

Tim's Southern Voice Tour came to our area 3 days after my birthday. I had already seen it back in February with my oldest son, my dad, sis, cousins, Aunt & Uncle in Roanoke VA. My cousin was turning 16 and she wanted to go to her first concert for her birthday, a Tim McGraw concert, with us. So we happily obliged! So I wasn't planning on going to the show in July in our area. I was hoping that we would get chosen to put on the VIP event at the concert and possibly meet him, but I wasn't buying tickets. See my husband's company sponsored his tour this year and was responsible for the food at the VIP event. The VIP event is a private set Tim does for about 50 of his fan club members, contest winners etc. We weren't "the chosen ones" so I had come to grips with not going and not meeting Tim McGraw.

THEN Mr. Dream Come True surprised me with tickets for my birthday. He set up the babysitters, he had everything taken care of. I can't begin to explain how HUGE that was. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mom's day, Valentine's Day, always has a tendency to be a let down. He works really hard, and typically doesn't take the time to do things like this. I have always told him I am happy with just a card, or an email, because that is when he takes the time to tell me how he feels about me, remind me why he loves me, he is a man of few words, so those cards mean more to me than anything...so this gift was so incredible for so many reasons!

How he got the tickets is a fun story too, but I am trying not to ramble. So, he got the tickets, 20th row, center stage! I have NEVER been that close ever. I was beside myself with excitement. Well, the surprise didn't end there. He took the time to make some phone calls, find out who was assigned to the VIP  event from his company and contacted that partner about getting us in. The partner was so gracious and got us two passes!

The VIP event was in a tent, no seats, just lots of food, and a stage. There was a rope that gave about a 5 foot cushion between the stage and the people. Thankfully we got there early enough, and because we knew the partner was able to go in the side entrance so we got in before anyone else and was able to get right on the rope(basically front row)! INCREDIBLE! Tim came out with half of his band The Dance Hall Doctors. They sang 3 songs, one of which was Don't Take the Girl. I have only ever heard him sing that live once, my very first concert. He doesn't sing it in concert anymore. I was thrilled. During his song Watch the Wind Blow By he made eye contact with me. I thought I was going to faint. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Tim took the time to sign autographs for the people "on the rope"! BOY am I glad we got there early enough to get that spot! When he signed my pass I took the chance to touch his shoulder and say

" I have seen you in concert 12 times"
Tim: "and you aren't sick of us yet"
Me: laughs nervously and says "uh no, I could never get sick of you"
He walked passed me again, still using my sharpie and I say
"you stole my pen" *retarded right?!*
Tim *crooked grin*

Sigh...I was so nervous! He did a short Q&A and had I not been so nervous I would have remembered we share the same birthday(funny huh?) I could have told him that and said Happy Birthday. But I was trying to contain myself and not act like a dumb star struck girl. Yes, I did feel like I could cry because I was so happy. I have always thought the people who cry when they meet celebrities were so stupid, I don't anymore...I was SOOOOOOOO happy, I could have burst into tears at any moment!

What made me even happier was watching my husband watch me. I would turn to look at him, or hit his arm, and would catch him just watching me, not even watching Tim. He had this smile on his face, and "the look". The " i love her so much look" my heart melted! That look still makes my heart flutter! He was so happy he was able to surprise me and make this dream of mine, this item on my bucket list, come true!

I told him he never had to get me another present EVER! There is no way he will ever be able to top this!

This picture shows how close we were to Tim. This picture makes me very happy.

I love my hubby!

We both love all types of music, but my husband is mainly a heavy metal guy! So, him going to a country music show was definitely a bit of a sacrifice. Over the years, because of my obsession, Tim has started to grow on him. So he doesn't hate him...he just isn't his first choice. When I took my son to the concert back in Feb. after the concert he told me "mom, I liked Tim McGraw just OK before, but now, after seeing him in concert, I LOVE him. A Tim McGraw concert changes you" So I teased my husband that after seeing this concert with me he would be changed. Guess what? He has my Southern Voice CD in his car right now. He has listened to it almost every day since the concert. He goes around singing Tim songs and one day he says

"I hate to admit it, but the concert did change me"

I am a VERY happy girl!

Again

I am linking up again. I think I am as addicted to linking up as I am the bloggy world! It's fun. See bloggers "assign" different things each week for us to write, answer, take pictures of and then we can link up to their blog.  Then I have so much fun finding new blogs because of the link up. I like it. I like MamaKat. She is fun-ny! You guys should check her out! Each week she gives writing prompts and lets you link up to her blog with stories. I am a day late, but I am having computer issues :-( So, I can get a free pass this week, right?

Here goes nothing!

This one time I was sleeping and...I wet the bed. Am I going to write about a time I wet the bed when I was a little girl you ask? NOPE! I was 31. It was mortifying, embarrassing and completely confusing and that day I knew my nightmare was far from being over!

See, I struggle with Endometriosis. The silent "woman's" disease that has been described as "acting like cancer, it's just not fatal". The disease that can cause no pain, or ginormica(my 5yro"s fav word)amounts of pain. The disease people can't see, so they don't believe you. The disease that doctors don't completely understand and get annoyed with you for complaining about. I feel crazy and very alone at times. My husband is gracious but I know he thought really? many many times when I have had to not do things because of endo! It can cause serious bowel issues! It can cause romantical interludes with the hubby to not be fun, and quite painful.  It can cause infertility. I think most people know about it, but don't understand it.  I have an extreme case. We were blessed to have our two children and decided we were done having kids(it was hard getting prego and I think we didn't want to push our luck!) and would do the only thing you can do about endo(if you want it gone for good)...have a hysterectomy.

Well, the story is too long and complicated, but my GYN screwed up. He put a hole in my bladder and I ended up with a catheter in for over three months. We begrudgingly named him "peter the pee pee" bag. I had one catheter for the day, and one for at night. Soooo when I peed the bed, it made NO sense since my ureter was hooked up to Peter. That night I knew it wasn't normal and something was seriously going wrong in my healing process...

 I had developed a VFF. It's an ugly word. I can't even type it, so I will only use the initials. I had to have my 3rd surgery to correct someone's screw up! That night I became a member of the .04% club. That is how many times a VFF has been documented in our country's population! That's me. I can't do anything normally, ever!

Why would I write about something so awful you ask!? Well,
1) I still can't get over that I wet the bed at the age of 31 and my poor hubby had to help me clean it up!
2) It reminds me that I am SUPPOSED to be here! As I struggle with the transition of both my kids in school all day and what am I supposed to do now. As I am struggling with what is my purpose in life and not feeling very valued,  I read that prompt, thought of that night and I was reminded...I almost died after the hysterectomy. I ended up in the ICU for a night. I had a LONG treacherous road of recovery and unfortunately am still dealing with pain issues and need more surgery, BUT my boys could have lost their mom that day. My husband could have lost his wife. SO, even though that is an experience I will never forget and still haunts me, I do get in funkalcious moods at times. Becoming no fun! Instead of taking every day as a gift, I have fallen into the trap of my newest funk, letting my circumstances affect me! AND I need to be reminded, I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

Whether I go back to work or not. Or watch re-runs of Beverly Hills 90210 all day when the boys are in school. Go back to school. Clean my house all day. Clean other people's houses. None of this matters. What IS important is to be thankful that God chose to let me stay on this earth and raise my kids, be a wife to  my husband and I need not to let this "funk" I am in overwhelm me and lose sight of what is important!

I am a mom. I am a wife. I am good at those things. I am a friend. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am good at those things too!

From the moment I was conceived God had a purpose for my life. I may not know what it is beyond being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend but I am thankful He knows and will help me through this funk!

So. Hi. My name is Kerry and a few years ago when I was sleeping...I wet the bed! I was a 31 year old bed wetter!

I am "LINKING UP" because it's the cool thing to do!

As I navigate this bloggy world, I have discovered a lot of cool blogs because they have linked up with blogs I read. I have really enjoyed myself these last few days poking around other people's blogs, even though I am doing it anonymously! I am trying to follow my favorites because I find it is easier to logon to Google Reader and keep up with all of them in one spot than it is to go to each one off my favorites list! I am such a people person that it is just natural for me to want to know about other people's lives! Even if they are strangers. Sounds weird, but I know most of you know how I feel!  I am finding that the time I usually spend unwinding in front of the TV, I am choosing to read blogs instead and it is so much more fun! I am such a reality show junkie...and that isn't always good...so this is like reality TV but better, less drama, more substance!

I found Leigh and she is doing a Happiness Project! How cool is that, you should check it out!

 I know that after my last two posts, I need a change of perspective and this is a great way to start...find a picture that make me happy and post it!

This picture makes me HAP - PY!!!!! For OH so many reasons! And these reasons are in NO particular order of importance!

1) I REALLY like my hair! :-) Come on ladies, you all know what a good hair day can do for your mood! And I was digging my hair!
2) Someone else did my  make-up that day...and I LOVED it! *i loved that someone else did my make-up and I loved how it turned out!*
3) It's a great picture of me and my Mr. Dream Come True! Even though that day was a crazy day, we were together as a family and those days are few and far between! (and we danced together that day, again a rare occurrence, but I LOVE dancing with him, after almost 10 years of marriage when we dance together and I have to lean my head all the way back just to look in his eyes *he's 6'7* I still get butterflies in my stomach! There is something about the way he looks at me, holds me and always kisses my nose at the end of the dance...sigh)
5) I danced with my eldest son *he's 7* and it was fun & scary all at the same time.  I flashed forward 20 years and saw myself dancing with him at his wedding! My heart can't handle that thought!
6) My big sister got married the day this picture was taken!(the reason we were all dolled up and dancing!) WAHOO! She has been waiting for her dream to come true for a very long time. She's 40 and has waited for her true love, never compromised her beliefs and values, dealt with intense loneliness and questioning when would it be her turn for happiness and finally when it was time God brought her the love of her life! Their love story is fun and incredible and my heart is so happy that she has found someone who adores her, respects her and that she can share her life with! She will be an awesome wife and Lord willing, she will become a mother, her heart's desire for so long!
7) I got to hear my mother sing The Lord's Prayer! She has an incredible voice and I don't get to hear her sing too often anymore, she always sends chills down my spine when she does! She's amazing!
8) I got to spend time with friends and family, particularly my brother and his two boys. They live in MO and we don't get to see them very often. We miss them. It was GREAT to have them here! It was even better that his 2yro son LOVED me and was choosing me over him:~) He is my buddy! I didn't want them to go home!
9) I got to witness my dad marry my sister! About 3 years ago, he became an ordained minister after a full career as a contract painter. When he should be retiring, he found his calling. He LOVES what he does, and who is to say that my sister didn't meet her man before because my dad was supposed to marry her?! I LOVE hearing my dad preach! He married my cousin a few months ago and it was incredible, but seeing my dad walk my sister down the aisle, making her laugh the entire way, then marrying his oldest, my sister, was incredible. He didn't get choked up until the end when he said his benediction. As he was reading it he looked into my eyes(my dad is my best friend) and knowing all we had been through in the planning of the wedding, all the prayers we have prayed for my sister, it was like he was speaking directly to me through his eyes. His eyes saying how proud he was of me, of my sister, how happy he was and how much he loved us. Weird I got all that in a look huh? But his benediction was from Numbers and it gets me every time. And the fact that is what he chose to bless them with before he introduced them as husband and wife...I was done for! It was all I could do not to ugly cry!!!!

So looking at this picture brings so many many happy thoughts & memories! This day was full of family, fun and love love love! I love weddings! It literally makes my heart smile and realize how truly blessed I am!

The benediction that my dad read at my sister's wedding seems a perfect way to end this post! I pray that you my bloggy friends take a moment, look through your pictures, remember the memories and let your heart smile! I pray this benediction for all of you...

Numbers 6:24-26
"The Lord bless you, and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift His countenance on you, and give you peace."

Bad Mamma

Conversation with my 7 year old:

while discussing our plans for the next day at bed time my 7yro says

"well if you actually would do that everyday you would be a good mom"

???? *sigh* He is the master at guilt trips. The MASTER! He must learn it from somewhere, I have an idea where, but maybe it would be rude to talk about family members?(not immediate family...extended, who have given him major guilt trips in the past and really pissed me off because of it!) He then goes on to actually get teary eyed, and list all of my short comings as a mom.

Great. This on the heels of my last post, my feeling insecure about this new transition about to happen in our household. I am already "on the edge" and could break at any moment and my son decides to share with me how imperfect I am. And how I don't compare to Granny. Sigh, I already know how imperfect I am. I don't need to be reminded. I already know I can't live up to the Granny, but she has the advantage here, she gets to spoil and coddle always, that's her right after raising three children, right?

So then I struggle. I struggle to hold him and coddle him and tell him how much I do love him OR to give him a talking to on respect and how most of his complaints have something to do directly with his behavior and the consequences I have to enforce because of his behavior. OR how life isn't fair and doesn't consist of rainbows and Disney-like fun everyday.

I tell my husband of the conversation. Actually, Charlie Brown had just done this about two weeks ago. So twice in two weeks....it's too much for me. So what happened?

I did tell him I love him, but I went with the respect talk, it was short, sweet and to the point, because I had to get out of the room or I would have broke. I could feel my anger, my frustrations and insecurities welling inside of me, and I would have "lost it" on him and probably rambled on about all I do do for him, all I have sacrificed and then it would have been me laying on the guilt trip on a 7yro, which isn't fair. One day when he grows up, he will realize it on his own. Instead, I shared with Mr. Dream Come True and he let him handle it. And a very humble Charlie Brown did come and apologize. I appreciated my hubby's support and I appreciated Charlie Brown's apology, but the damage was done and I am left pondering if I am really a good mom or not, the one and only thing I know that I was put on this earth for, to be a mom, and am I failing miserably at it.

I have been struggling with him for sometime now about his attitude, it's like he is 13 instead of 7. Everything is a fight, a struggle. He is my analytical, sensitive child who takes everything to heart. But he is super intuitive and he knows how to get me, and I also wonder, has this kid mastered the art of manipulation at such a young age?

So after this I take the opportunity to share with Mr. Dream Come True about my last post, how I am feeling. I get half way through and he tells me "you know you are being a girl right now?" Last time I checked...yep, I am a girl. So, I stop and settle in to watch T.V. with him and spend a few minutes with my hard working hubby. I haven't seen him a lot lately, the business has been requiring a lot of his time. It goes in cycles, there are times when we are able to see him a lot, then there are times when he is like a ghost, coming and going in the night. I miss him. I feel the burden of his stress. He has worked so hard for his success and when it seems like nothing is going right, and there are no positives, it gets oppressive and I know the last thing he needed to hear from me was that I am struggling. He needs me. The optimistic woman he married. I have had a hard time finding that girl lately. I am so proud of him, and I have complete faith that his hard work is and will pay off. He works so hard to provide for us. To keep me home with my boys. I appreciate him so much. I just wish I could help him. I wish he could help me. He is so overwhelmed right now he is back to pressing me about what I am going to do when Bubs goes to kindergarten. I tense up every time he asks...

because I don't know...

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday Friday Edition

I recently discovered Shell's blog. I particularly love her Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday link ups. I have read some amazing stories and come across some great blogs. I am really addicted to this blog world, yet still feel so inadequate and not sure how to navigate. I laugh and cry at other's blogs, leaving no posts, just mulling over how it would be so cool to create a blogging network of my own but then feeling overwhelmed on how to do that and insecure that anyone would want to even hear what I have to say. I am consistently long winded, whether in real life convo or blogging. I have a "mommy memory blog" and for some time have wanted to start another blog. A blog where I can Pour My Heart Out regularly and not be in fear of what my friends or family might say or think. A self-therapy blog if you will. A place where I can be me, apart from what I identify myself as, a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend. Just my own space, the good the bad and the ugly. So what better way to start than to link up with Shell's blog and Pour My Heart Out. Here goes nothing.

What I have been pondering lately is my children going to school. My oldest is entering the 2nd grade and my youngest is leaving me for the big, cruel school world entering in kindergarten. Our plans have always been when both boys were in school full time, I would return to work of some sort, part time, fill my days, help bring in income into our household. Well, here we are two weeks from the beginning of the school year and I have no clue what I am going to do, except hyperventilate because my children will be gone all day. I have so many friends who are new mommies with newborns who look at me like I am crazy because what they wouldn't give right now to be in my shoes with time on their hands, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, seems like a gift...but for me it isn't. It is the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. This era for our family is good. I would never take away watching my boys grow and become the incredible people they are. But it is hard for me to let go and I think because I am struggling to find my place.

My background professionally is in the medical field, as a med assistant for a surgical practice. But I have no degrees, no official training and have been out of that world for 7 years. My passion is people. I long to adopt a child, to give a child a safe, loving environment, a family, a home. I long to work at a crisis pregnancy center, to counsel women who have found themselves in a difficult position. Pregnancy, the pro-life, pro-choice debate(for me there is no debate, pro life is the only answer) is close to my heart and maybe I will save that story for next week's pour your heart out edition, but I have a passion to work with ladies, help them through a scary difficult time. I want to be a nurse, I want to help people. I am all over the map. There are time that I think I could go into marketing, my husband owns a business, I do work for him, very very few hours from home, but I think, I could take my time and market our business, I could go into management. I just don't know. The only thing I am sure of, is I am GOOD at talking and I love people! All these things I can't see how they could become a reality. I need money to go back to school, the crisis pregnancy center isn't a paying job, and we do need an extra income, adopting, costs money. Sigh...

*side note* While considering where to work, what to do, I still have to consider that my husband owns his business, he does not have a flexible job, so I have to still be available to drop my kids off at 9:15AM, pick them up at 3:30PM, stay home with them on their days off, school vacations, and stay home with them when they are sick and during the summer. We didn't work as hard has we have to for me to pay a sitter in the evenings or the summers, they are still our priority and I am still going to be the one with them. So...where do I find a job like that? AND my oldest struggles with asthma and every year, in Oct., he ends up with pneumonia, any sane employer would have fired me last year, he missed 17 days of school because of his asthma. Sigh, and I am the one who does all the DR visits and knows the med regimens and, it's overwhelming...

I am scared of being home, alone for six hours. Scared I will squander my time and get nothing accomplished. Scared I will feel lonely and have to deal with hurts, disappointments and feeling like I have no purpose in this life. Scared that my children don't need me anymore. I have two amazing boys, and I have discovered I am really good at being their mom. And for 7 years that is what I have done. Of course, I won't ever stop being their mom, of course they are still young and need me. But this is a huge transition for me.

As I watch them need their dad more(my amazing Mr. Dream Come True) I wonder what is my place now? I was good at it when they were babies, they needed me, I understood them, I had the patience, it was natural, now that they are older, more independent, wanting their dad, needing their dad, and all I am good for is cooking, washing their clothes, making them take baths and brush their teeth and caving into their every whim like letting them stay up past their bed time with me...I don't know where I fit.

So I sit here wondering where do I go from here, how do I even begin, and am I strong enough to conquer any of these things. I feel pretty alone. I want my boys, my husband, my family, to be proud of me, of the person I am, not just because I am there to be at their beck and call.


I love my family, they are my heart walking outside of my body. But I am realizing for so long I have let ME be so consumed with THEM that I don't know myself anymore.