Sunday, August 15, 2010

Bad Mamma

Conversation with my 7 year old:

while discussing our plans for the next day at bed time my 7yro says

"well if you actually would do that everyday you would be a good mom"

???? *sigh* He is the master at guilt trips. The MASTER! He must learn it from somewhere, I have an idea where, but maybe it would be rude to talk about family members?(not immediate family...extended, who have given him major guilt trips in the past and really pissed me off because of it!) He then goes on to actually get teary eyed, and list all of my short comings as a mom.

Great. This on the heels of my last post, my feeling insecure about this new transition about to happen in our household. I am already "on the edge" and could break at any moment and my son decides to share with me how imperfect I am. And how I don't compare to Granny. Sigh, I already know how imperfect I am. I don't need to be reminded. I already know I can't live up to the Granny, but she has the advantage here, she gets to spoil and coddle always, that's her right after raising three children, right?

So then I struggle. I struggle to hold him and coddle him and tell him how much I do love him OR to give him a talking to on respect and how most of his complaints have something to do directly with his behavior and the consequences I have to enforce because of his behavior. OR how life isn't fair and doesn't consist of rainbows and Disney-like fun everyday.

I tell my husband of the conversation. Actually, Charlie Brown had just done this about two weeks ago. So twice in two's too much for me. So what happened?

I did tell him I love him, but I went with the respect talk, it was short, sweet and to the point, because I had to get out of the room or I would have broke. I could feel my anger, my frustrations and insecurities welling inside of me, and I would have "lost it" on him and probably rambled on about all I do do for him, all I have sacrificed and then it would have been me laying on the guilt trip on a 7yro, which isn't fair. One day when he grows up, he will realize it on his own. Instead, I shared with Mr. Dream Come True and he let him handle it. And a very humble Charlie Brown did come and apologize. I appreciated my hubby's support and I appreciated Charlie Brown's apology, but the damage was done and I am left pondering if I am really a good mom or not, the one and only thing I know that I was put on this earth for, to be a mom, and am I failing miserably at it.

I have been struggling with him for sometime now about his attitude, it's like he is 13 instead of 7. Everything is a fight, a struggle. He is my analytical, sensitive child who takes everything to heart. But he is super intuitive and he knows how to get me, and I also wonder, has this kid mastered the art of manipulation at such a young age?

So after this I take the opportunity to share with Mr. Dream Come True about my last post, how I am feeling. I get half way through and he tells me "you know you are being a girl right now?" Last time I checked...yep, I am a girl. So, I stop and settle in to watch T.V. with him and spend a few minutes with my hard working hubby. I haven't seen him a lot lately, the business has been requiring a lot of his time. It goes in cycles, there are times when we are able to see him a lot, then there are times when he is like a ghost, coming and going in the night. I miss him. I feel the burden of his stress. He has worked so hard for his success and when it seems like nothing is going right, and there are no positives, it gets oppressive and I know the last thing he needed to hear from me was that I am struggling. He needs me. The optimistic woman he married. I have had a hard time finding that girl lately. I am so proud of him, and I have complete faith that his hard work is and will pay off. He works so hard to provide for us. To keep me home with my boys. I appreciate him so much. I just wish I could help him. I wish he could help me. He is so overwhelmed right now he is back to pressing me about what I am going to do when Bubs goes to kindergarten. I tense up every time he asks...

because I don't know...

1 comment:

  1. oh boy ... where to begin ... i should probably just call you since i don't think the comment box holds enough words for this therapy session ;)

    let's chat soon. hang in there!! love you!