Tuesday, August 31, 2010
PYHO is here again. I haven't blogged in a long while. Missed my fav link up yesterday, the happiness project(http://leighvslaundry.blogspot.com/2010/08/happiness-project-week-26.html), cuz I have just felt like I have nothing to say. I am tired. My laptop is 800 years old and slow, too slow, so I have given in to the watching too much reality T.V. again! Especially because my home computer is not functioning. I am praying it can be fixed, I have lots of things I would hate to lose...so we'll see. I am just tired. And saw some crazy blog drama going on last week and thought "UGH this is NOT why I started blogging. I wanted to blog for myself. Self Therapy. I really enjoyed all these blogs I was finding, all these link ups. Talking to new people, making bloggie friends and this whole drama stuff crept up and I just don't need anything else negative in my life. Facebook provides enough high school drama I don't need anymore. I am an adult. So I stopped blogging. And really thought about not linking back up again. But I like Shell. I like Leigh. I enjoy their 'memes' and enjoy reading & seeing other people's blogs when they link up...so I am sticking to these two girls.
So that was a rant? Not a PYHO huh?
I am in a funk.
I can't get out of it.
I am afraid that I am on the verge of serious depression, if not already there.
What do I have to be depressed about I think to myself. I have two incredible children. They are my heart walking outside of my body. I have a husband who loves me and his children and works uber hard to provide for us. I have a beautiful little home, which I love. I live in a good community with great schools around. I have a great family who loves and supports us at every turn. We lack for nothing. So what do I have to be depressed over?
I get mad at myself for feeling this way and that this funk has gone on way too long. What right do I have to be in a funk? To feel depressed? How selfish am I? There are people out there without jobs, losing their homes, dealing with sick children, with being sick themselves, wondering where their next meal is going to come from and I am feeling depressed?
It's a vicious cycle.
I tell myself every night, when I can't sleep. Tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to get up, get things accomplished around the house. Do some research on going back to school. Apply to be a sub at the boys school. Play with my kids. The next day comes, and I am tired. Tired from being up all night. Tired from my physical pain. Tired. My motivation from the night before is gone.
I know where my purpose lies. In Jesus. He loves me. He died on the cross for ME. So I can live eternally with him. I need to accept His gift. I need to lean on my Savior. My heavenly Father. It's hard.
My husband is also in a funk. And us being both in a funk is never good. He is at a cross roads with is job, not wanting to continue but not knowing what he does want to do and feeling the pressure of being the sole provider for our family. That weighs heavily on me. When he is unhappy, it affects us all. The mood in the house. He is not satisfied. He wants to do 100 different projects in the house. I am all for these projects. Updating our kitchen, getting new appliances, finishing our basement etc. etc. BUT all that requires money. I don't want to do any of this on credit. We have been down that road. It's too stressful and not good. I want us to save for these things. Pay cash. I don't want to be in debt. I know that IF we did all these things, as soon as they were done, he wouldn't be satisfied and will move on to something else, oh say, buying a 2011 Mustang. He gets depressed because we don't have the disposable income. Sigh. I can't help him. I try to listen, respect him, pray for him. That is all I can do. Oh, besides stop him from spending money we don't have.
And he can't help me. He doesn't know. He doesn't realize. I tried to tell him a little bit of how I was feeling with this new transition of both boys in school and what do I do now. But he stopped me. He had just gotten home from a long day at work and is stressed and doesn't like when I "bombard" him. But, he always has long days of work. And when/if he is off he is "recovering" and doesn't want to "think" about it. Just wants to relax/chill enjoy his days off. And if I were to talk to him about how I was feeling...well. Partly it is my fault. I don't push it on his days off. I expect him to know. How can he, he isn't a mind reader.
So. Here I am. Wondering how do I get out of this funk. For myself. For my marriage. Most importantly for my boys.
Sigh. I am done. My hands are thrown up to the sky and I am asking for my Heavenly Father to envelope me in His love and show me what I need to do.