Tuesday, August 31, 2010


PYHO is here again. I haven't blogged in a long while. Missed my fav link up yesterday, the happiness project(http://leighvslaundry.blogspot.com/2010/08/happiness-project-week-26.html), cuz I have just felt like I have nothing to say. I am tired. My laptop is 800 years old and slow, too slow, so I have given in to the watching too much reality T.V. again! Especially because my home computer is not functioning. I am praying it can be fixed, I have lots of things I would hate to lose...so we'll see. I am just tired. And saw some crazy blog drama going on last week and thought "UGH this is NOT why I started blogging. I wanted to blog for myself. Self Therapy. I really enjoyed all these blogs I was finding, all these link ups. Talking to new people, making bloggie friends and this whole drama stuff crept up and I just don't need anything else negative in my life. Facebook provides enough high school drama I don't need anymore. I am an adult. So I stopped blogging. And really thought about not linking back up again. But I like Shell. I like Leigh. I enjoy their 'memes' and enjoy reading & seeing other people's blogs when they link up...so I am sticking to these two girls.

So that was a rant? Not a PYHO huh?

I am in a funk.

I can't get out of it.

I am afraid that I am on the verge of serious depression, if not already there.

What do I have to be depressed about I think to myself. I have two incredible children. They are my heart walking outside of my body. I have a husband who loves me and his children and works uber hard to provide for us. I have a beautiful little home, which I love. I live in a good community with great schools around. I have a great family who loves and supports us at every turn. We lack for nothing. So what do I have to be depressed over?

I get mad at myself for feeling this way and that this funk has gone on way too long. What right do I have to be in a funk? To feel depressed? How selfish am I? There are people out there without jobs, losing their homes, dealing with sick children, with being sick themselves, wondering where their next meal is going to come from and I am feeling depressed?

It's a vicious cycle.

I tell myself every night, when I can't sleep. Tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to get up, get things accomplished around the house. Do some research on going back to school. Apply to be a sub at the boys school. Play with my kids. The next day comes, and I am tired. Tired from being up all night. Tired from my physical pain. Tired. My motivation from the night before is gone.

I know where my purpose lies. In Jesus. He loves me. He died on the cross for ME. So I can live eternally with him. I need to accept His gift. I need to lean on my Savior. My heavenly Father. It's hard.

My husband is also in a funk. And us being both in a funk is never good. He is at a cross roads with is job, not wanting to continue but not knowing what he does want to do and feeling the pressure of being the sole provider for our family. That weighs heavily on me. When he is unhappy, it affects us all. The mood in the house. He is not satisfied. He wants to do 100 different projects in the house. I am all for these projects. Updating our kitchen, getting new appliances, finishing our basement etc. etc. BUT all that requires money. I don't want to do any of this on credit. We have been down that road. It's too stressful and not good. I want us to save for these things. Pay cash. I don't want to be in debt. I know that IF we did all these things, as soon as they were done, he wouldn't be satisfied and will move on to something else, oh say, buying a 2011 Mustang. He gets depressed because we don't have the disposable income. Sigh. I can't help him. I try to listen, respect him, pray for him. That is all I can do. Oh, besides stop him from spending money we don't have.

And he can't help me. He doesn't know. He doesn't realize. I tried to tell him a little bit of how I was feeling with this new transition of both boys in school and what do I do now. But he stopped me. He had just gotten home from a long day at work and is stressed and doesn't like when I "bombard" him. But, he always has long days of work. And when/if he is off he is "recovering" and doesn't want to "think" about it. Just wants to relax/chill enjoy his days off. And if I were to talk to him about how I was feeling...well. Partly it is my fault. I don't push it on his days off. I expect him to know. How can he, he isn't a mind reader.

So. Here I am. Wondering how do I get out of this funk. For myself. For my marriage. Most importantly for my boys.

Sigh. I am done. My hands are thrown up to the sky and I am asking for my Heavenly Father to envelope me in His love and show me what I need to do.


  1. Oh do I understand the funk! We are so in a rut right now. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know it sucks and I don't really have any words. It is a vicious cycle becaue I know how that guilt works. Sometimes it's so hard to count our blessings. You seem to have great faith and you just need to hold on to that and give it up to God because he wants all His chilren to be happy.
    Please don't stop blogging. I feel that we have made a connection and if you ever need to talk I'm always listening and you can always email me too :) I've never encountered any blog drama but I know there's a lot out there. Sorry you did. I don't understand why people can be so cady especially online when they don't even really know other people.
    Hope you get to feeling better. (not much consolation I know :)) {HUGS}

  2. I'm just ignoring the blog drama. It's not about me and I'm not getting involved. Hoping everyone has it out of their systems and moves on. That's why I'm excited to be working on Women's Friendship Month- to have a positive focus.

    I get in funks, too- been in one for several weeks now. I keep hoping that it will get better soon. I hope that's true for you, too. Sending prayers.

  3. ((HUGS)) I feel the same way. I'm in a funk now. I feel that no matter what way I turn, there's another wall up I have to get around. I hope you start to feel better soon.

  4. Thanks ladies! I appreciate knowing I am not alone! It really does help!

    I won't stop blogging. Just won't link up as much.

    And Shell, I didn't get involved, it wasn't about me, I am little unkown blog, but it was the vibe that got me. I was blown away. I like the feeling of community the blog world gives. Knowing you aren't alone, even if you feel that way. I just was floored. So, being in my funk. Seeing that. It made me want to crawl in a hole!

    But. In the end. I think I need this blog. I feel bad that talking to my "person" I feel like all I do is vent to her. I don't want to burden my folks. They would listen. They would pray. But they have their own "stuff". They don't need mine. And I don't want to overwhelm the hubby. So this is the best place for me to get it all out!

    I just feel so privelaged when you all take the time to read my post AND more importantly comment! It really did pick me up knowing, I am not the only one. My mind knows it. But when you are in it. It is hard to realize it.

    Thanks again girls!

  5. Hi there...came by from The Things I Can't Say Wednesday meme...I'm your newest follower.

    We all get into those moods from time to time...when everything comes at us all at once, it just feels so overwhelming and depression slowly settles in. I say, take it one day at a time and trust in God, that he'll show you a way out.

    As for the blog drama, you just go your way and let others who want to participate deal with it. I think your blog should make you feel good and not put any pressure on you. Make this place yours...remember there's always a delete button.

    The Things We Find Inside

  6. I can so relate to how you feel. I have been in a funk too, I think we all have our days or weeks. We want to have pity on ourselves and when the kids are gone to school, go back to bed & throw the covers back over our head. I just ask God to push me in the right direction. Don't beat yourself up too bad when you don't get what you wanted done, its always going to be there when you decide to get to it. Your life sounds like mine so I will pray for both of us to get outta this funk....

  7. I hate those funks...I was in one recently so I know where you're coming from, at least from my point of view. It just sucks...and to have drama on top of it makes it even worse! I constantly struggle with not having a job, because I'm a full time nursing student but now, I am sucking it up and getting one. I just feel like I can't tell my hubby either because he works so hard. However, I did have to tell him that sometimes I just need him to listen to me and let me vent. It's a tough spot but I pray that you'll be out of it soon!

  8. Hey Kerri! I left ya something on my blog! :)

  9. Hey Kerry,
    I'm so glad you got my comment. I wasn't sure cause you hadn't posted in so long. I do love your blog and I especially love your PYHO's and hope you don't stop. If you ever wanna send me an email or anything just click on my profile and it's attached there. :)
    I definately want you to guest post on my blog. The question goes with the award but you could elaborate on that for your guest post or whatever you want. Seriously....talk about anything! Just let me know when you wann do it! (and ya you gotta get that email attached to your profile girl so I can respond in email :))
    Love ya too!!